Thursday, February 16, 2017

My monkey mind

I have been trying to practice meditation to control my monkey mind through yoga breathing or some special breathing exercise . Yes , at times , I can control my mind but when in troubling times, it is really a challenge. It is just like stones been thrown into the water as troubles appeared one by one.  The ripples on my mind is sending waves through my mind and affect my breathing exercise. Yes, I have to abandon the exercise as panic and fast breathing destroy the peace in my mind. It can be uncontrollable and instead of fighting it , I have to abandon it and face it.

The feeling is bad and agitated . If I have to control it , it will be like fighting inside me and make me sweat and in a panic mood.  I have to be kind to myself and kind to my mind and surrender to my feeling and agitation. Just surrender yourself and let the feeling and thoughts settle down by doing nothing but just observing it.  The feeling is not good but what can we do.  Just watch it settles down like the ripples in the water after we throw a stone in it.  Let it go and settle by itself.

It is against our nature ie our ego and our character.  We are always in control and by nature, we are control freaks.  It is against our nature to surrender and we fight to control and this is the natural response.  But, in these situation of the mind, we have to slap our ego and be kind to the mind for it to return to the peaceful mode as soon as possible. The more we fight , the more ripple we create and the longer our mind will need to settle down.

Relook at ourself , our reaction and we will be aware and realized the consequences.


Drifting along my path

I felt suffocated pending the discharge of my sister from the hospital.  Shall I put her in the nursing home or to arrange a private nurse at home for her ?  Obviously, in the financial view point, it is much cheaper in the nursing home but it has not much benefit and it is the same as in the hospital ward. Still the problem is that most of the time , my sister will still be alone after the 2 hours each  visit in the afternoon and in the evening.  Still my sister have 20 hours of being alone.  Let her sleep, but how much of sleep.

For this decision, I look at the nieces and asked them " how often can you visit her ?" .. there was a complete silence .. They need to work and sometimes after OT , they will be very tired .. Have to drive from their office after work and to visit her one or two hours.  Is this practical for weeks or months ?  There is no such commitment , their body have limits and the tolerance of stress and work is also limited. Complete silence is the best answer  and I look at their tired faces. Yeah, less financial cost but will not be practical for visitors to see my sister in the nursing home. So what to do ? No choice , I have to look at arranging for private nursing  and let my sister rest at home.

Private nursing for 24 hours ? It will cost RM23 per hour and if for 30 days , it will be very costly , RM17K a month excluding all the miscellaneous expenses. Wow, for how long can I support ? This is another trouble bothering me. So, I will have to weight the matter as I go on.. I will try 2 weeks full time nursing for 24 hours and will see the progress , if my sister is getting better, I will cut to 12 hours of private nursing and arrange a maid to take care for 12 hours and will reduce to 7 days if she gets better and off private nursing to be replace by a maid if she is able.  I hope this strategy will work and keep my finance in check.  If not , it will be a runaway train and I will be stressed over the financial matters.

Yeah, home is better for my sister and the familiar smell, sound  and the environment will be more conducive for her to recover and be well again.  Lets hope that this will be the case.


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Thai Massage at Kakikaki - No 25.

Wow, I had a wonderful massage yesterday to release my stress and body aches at the Kaki Kaki massage shop at Macalister Road near to the Penang Patani Road Traffic police station. Normally, the massage is done by the China masseur but there are two Thai expat in there and I have been using No 25 on a regular basis after No15 , my China masseur went on a CNY holiday back to China.

The experience have given me a "vow" impact as she give me a proper Thai massage with the various twisting , body rubbing moves which really bring my body to the edge. The edge of relaxation. 

Despite her minute size, she packs a power as she goes for my pressure points and each move makes me feel a relief from my stress. I think it could be coming from her daily practice of massaging that her finger points were powerful and yet comfortable. With her combination of twisting and massaging of the muscles, it is a immerse release of our stress and pushing our body to the edge.

It was a wonderful experience.


Lost in the woods

I have been having a "lost feeling " for the past few weeks after the incident of my sister critically hurting herself from a fall.  It is this feeling of emptiness and fear that is pledging me and makes me losing the focus and joy in my life.  The recent CNY was just like normal days , filled with worries and flatness. Nothing exciting like in the previous years.  It came and gone in a flash.

What is happening to me ? I see the fragility in life.  Like I say before the table which have been using for years just broke apart.  It has been there and is expected to be there but it just broke apart.  This draws me to the feeling of impermanence. Things are not there forever as we see it , it will breakdown  and it will change through time.  However, during our living, we are not aware of it and we have no time to realize that it is changing. When this happen without the  consciousness that it is changing and may fall apart one day, this happening woke us up to reality and its drama pushed us back to reality of life. Wei, we will die one day, don't think you can live forever.

This sudden awareness will wake up up and before we can steady ourselves , it unbalanced us and make us blur in our vision and we start re-focus our direction to gain another firm step forward. It is as if we fall down, we pick our self up and we want to re-gain our balance and to continue our journey forward.  It is a period of confusion.

It also have make me realize and at the same time, it breaks my confident to walk another step forward unless I have regain my balance to move another step.. Yes, the fear of another fall or another mis-step , we become "ball-less" for the meantime.

We have to fight the fear and to regain our composure and our confidence to make another step.  We have to move on.


Friday, February 10, 2017

My path

Just now I came across my daughter's girl friend's FB and she wrote that her path is suffocating and breathless and she thinks that it is not the path for her.  I just interrupted and wrote a comment that if it becomes too painful to live in her current path , she should step back and re-focus what she wants to do in her life.

It is very well said but it is difficult to be done.  We have a lot of fears.. We fear that we lost our job, our security , our financial freedom ,etc.  There are so many consideration to just quit a job and to be free from our own self or become a bigger self  and to break free from all our earthly needs and wishes. It is full of uncertainties and it needs a lot courage to face the fear and uncertainties in our life. When the path becomes difficult , it also calls for a lot of courage to break away from people's expectation of you.  From financial freedom, we have to live in a humble manner and eat the humble pie. We can ended up not among the roses and to give up our comfort for a simple life.

Yeah, it is all what is all about . our own contentment . If we are happy, then it does not matter, we are happy , that is it.  Not that we have lots of money then we can be happy.  Happiness does not depend on anything , it is a feeling from within and it is up to us.

So I have been advising my friends, if the path becomes too painful and everyday is a torture doing what you are doing to get a job done and get paid.... Tell the job to "f..k off " and just walk away to find a better path.  If we stick on to the path, it will always become our path and we will kill our self over it. It takes a lot courage and positivity to move out of our self and our path.  Just do it .


Thursday, February 9, 2017

My emotions

As I see my sister recovering so slowly and surely , my emotions are not controllable and now she can advance to a normal ward ,  I feel relieved but still worried and sad.  The doctor told me that they have done whatever they could do for her and now it depends on her for her own recovery. 

She can open her eyes and she can respond but the movement in your hands and legs are very slow and it could take awhile before she can be discharged.  But, it is very lucky that she has been able to progress to this stage.

I do not know why my energy is so low at times when I feel worried and sad.. It could be the negativity in me that sapped my energy..  I could not sleep well but I managed to catch up at times during the holiday breaks and the afternoon naps.  But , generally, I feel my world is gray. All the things are not going right for me. But, at times, I could stay positive and strong.  It is like a yo-yo moving up and down during the different time and occasion.  Yes, it maybe normal as our emotions rise or fall.

Life becomes very fragile. Now you are there and now you are in trouble or gone.  With a twist of fate or a snap of our finger.  On the fateful day, when I was talking to her , she looks tired and the next moment , she fell and now she is in this condition.  The brain scan or the spinal check revealed nothing is wrong with her. There was no damage but she is not getting her own function back as yet. The Doctor explained to me that the brain is a very mysterious organ and it is very unpredictable. One moment , it can be well and at times, it just don't work as you expected.  It looks like it depends on God and your own fate. 

What I can do now is to wait and wait for my sister's own strength to pull through and stay well.  I hope I could summon all the spiritual help I can get to make her well again.


Thursday, February 2, 2017

Donald Duck, Trump

Yeah , I added another Duck in between his name . Instead of Donald Trump , it should be Trump, the Donald Duck.  His ban on the travel by Muslims to US created a big havoc and lead to protest in the various states  in the US.  But , why am I concern as I am in Malaysia ? No, this shows that he is crazy and we have a crazy man as the US President , it will shake up the world and will caused more damages to humanity and human rights.

Many people told me that this is his campaign promise and he has make know his intention but yet the crazy Americans wanted to give him a chance to change the world for better or worst. From the Muslim ban, he accused Germany, China and Japan of currency manipulations and threaten to use the same tactic to save American jobs and consumers.  This will lead to  a currency war , a religious war and a trade war.

After all his crazy changes or damages to the world . The world will never be the same. Now , we look to the American Republicans to stop him but they could be found ? Maybe hiding in their closets and counting their hairs. What kind of white feather are they ?  Talk big but only  act small.

The wind of change will benefit China in Asia and Trump is actually helping China to gain a strong foot hold on the Asian economies and a trade block will soon be created to replace the TPPA.  Why is Donald withdrawing from the world ?  There was  video by Jack Ma who says that USA have gone into many wars and their finance is not properly channeled to projects or infra-structures in the US and that is the main reason , the Americans are loosing their jobs. Why have they blamed other countries from stealing jobs from America.  It is quite ridiculous and always pointing others.

His rational of building a great wall to block illegal immigrants from Mexico is also another flaw in his policy.. There are so many points of entries between Mexico and USA and it will be so difficult to block the immigrants and many of them have already gone into USA.  So that is why, I called him a duck.... the only animal who can swim in the water and walk on land... Do you realized that ?  For muslims they cannot eat such creatures that can have dual functions. Either can swim in the water or walk on the land.. They called it haram.  So, ducks are not popular among the muslims.

The craziness of Trump and his supporters will be damaging to the world and by making America first, they could be making America alone.  Stupid actions draws stupid re-actions.