I am in transition - aimless

The feeling is weird as if floating in this dimension. Maybe, I am just been too tired.  Mentally exhausted due to the recent events in the past week. The return of BIL J from Bangkok and I could not shake away the thoughts.  I could visualize his pain and his desperation.  I have the small feeling many months ago in Bangkok when I sit besides him. The pain is in the air and sadness is all around.

This the second time, I see him in his sky condo and the latest, I heard that he could not eat as his mouth and throat is sore. Yes, the cancer have make him weak and all other complications start to come in. He keep mumbling that GOD is coming to take him away and he is waiting for it.  It was so different from a few months ago, when he came back after his chemo and steroid injections.  He was full of hope , the hope of containing the spread of the disease. Now, he is a shade of himself and he looks lame and useless watching his body wasting away.

These images continued to come into my thoughts and make me weary and aimless. I am aimless because I just don’t know what is good for myself. Should I retire into the woods or keep working to occupy myself while I am still useful. In my image, I should ride away into the sunset and into the woods , but after that wha can I do ? Just bidding time and waiting for GOD to come to pick me up. It does not mind, it is a Christian GOD or a Buddhist GOD or a creator. It will come one day and that is sure.

During my FIL, J sickness, I have the same feeling and also the floating thoughts.  Slipping into the different dimension of life.  Real and in the thoughts. Which is real , I am not sure. Whichever sphere I am in, it is the same floating experience. Filling with the image and thoughts of BIL J and FIL J. Ow ! so happen they both have the same alpabet J.

Each step, I take is groundless, no firm ground below us. Everything looks filmy and unreal. Just focus on my job and pass the time and try to suppress the desperation and sadness from my mind.  Like I say before, I notice a tear coming from BIL J’s eyes.  The tear of sadness and desperation.

I know I need Time to heal my sadness and coming out from the transition.  I remembered  Buddha’s teaching of  impermanence. Every thing is changing for the better or worst. The real thing and what you have is  the present moment.  So live now and take each step with a breath of fresh air and look forward  to realize the passage of time.

Namaste.