" Friend divorce " - extract

Dealing with a lost friendship can be tough when questions go unanswered. (Image: SXC)

When we make friends, we do not think about the possibility of losing them. But a time may come when the girl or guy friend that you were once inseparable from no longer returns your calls or makes time to hang out. “Friend divorce” is a reality, and it can be just as painful as losing any other relationships.

I came up with the term “friend divorce” several years ago when a good friend and I stopped talking to each other after being close for over five years. I was confused about what happened between us and took for granted that our friendship would simply bounce back. When I realised that it was not the case, I decided to ask my friend whether our friendship was over, and he explained why he no longer felt close to me. It was a difficult question to ask, and it was even harder to hear his response, but by posing the question, I laid everything out on the table and received an honest reply.

It can be hard to deal with losing a friendship when you don’t have answers to your questions. Unfortunately, the world we live in has made it a lot easier for people to slip out of our lives. It can be as simple as them no longer texting you back or making plans for a girls’ night out. Once you notice this, it is important to be straight up with yourself.

Step back and re-evaluate the friendship to examine how you may have played a part in causing the drift between you both. Sometimes a friend feels neglected because of a new job or relationship you have, and they may start to pull away. If it is something that can be repaired with an open talk, and if you believe the friendship is worth saving, then you should show some vulnerability and try to salvage it.

There are other times when the loss of a friendship is the result of people outgrowing one another or growing apart. That good friend who used to be game for all sorts of adventures may no longer be interested. Or the cousin that grew up with you may have gotten married, had a few kids and just doesn’t have the time to go out for late night coffee sessions. To me this is one of the hardest ways to lose a friend because you have absolutely no power over it; we all change and evolve, but in the process, we risk losing people that we have a lot of love for.

Of course some “friend divorces” are necessary. Maybe you were “frenemies” and the relationship was based on negativity and competition. Or perhaps your relationship didn’t uplift you spiritually and was maintained out of habit rather than genuine care. These kinds of friendships are toxic but too often we turn a blind eye to what they really are.

Most people enjoy being in the company of others, but simply collecting friends doesn’t mean that you are acquiring quality relationships. If and when these people walk out of your life, you should be thankful because their absence frees the space for better and more positive encounters.

The important thing to remember is that when you lose a friend, it doesn’t diminish the relationship you once shared. The memories you have of the time spent with them are important, and the growth you experienced through the friendship can be held on to forever. Just because someone is no longer a regular fixture in your life doesn’t mean you have to erase all the good they brought. Hold on to that, and in doing so, you will remember them fondly and be a better friend to others in future.
I believe that if you have a handful of solid people whom you can call real friends, then you are extremely blessed. As we get older, it becomes apparent that it does not matter how many contacts you have on your phone, or how many acquaintances show up at an event you organise. What counts are those friends who stick around afterwards to help you clean up, and who will be lovingly honest with you when the occasion calls for it.

As for the friend whom I thought had “divorced” me a couple years ago, we have started talking again and are now tighter friends than ever. It just goes to show that we have no control over the future, but by being open and honest, we can cultivate friendships that are worth going the extra mile for.