I thought of my mother.

One of the night , I dream of my mother. She passed away for more than 15 years ago.  I have not been truthful to her and I was afraid that she will know the truth after she go into another realm.

I have a few regrets.  During her last few years, I have not been with her despite going back to eat dinner and visit her during the weekends. I should have noticed something was wrong with her when she complaint that she is not sleeping well.  I took her to a clinic and the doctor just told me that old people is like that as they often sleep during the day and could sleep at night.  It is not the first time I am disappointed with a GP. They bullshit a lot and only know how to make money by prescribing us their expensive medication and exorbitant consulting fee.

Besides the point, I wonder whether my deceased mother could see what I have done with my life. There is a big secret that I kept to myself which I have not told her.  It is a kind of personal issue.  But, does it matter ? If I told her, maybe it would be better . But , I just leave it as that.

During my life journey, she has been advising me to divest my investments as these investments were breeding on my blood money.  But , it all falls on deaf ears. Why is it so difficult to listen to her ? It was quite disturbing at that time and there were so many considerations. I became a gambler and hoping that my investment will recover itself.  It is actually going down one way , the way to hell. I was bleedding and wounded and I kept holding on and find solace in hiding behind my problems. Things were changing very fast and I indulged in comtemplation and hopefulness. It was actually hopelessness.

Yeah, she looks healthy in my dream and the image of her sitting on the swing infront of her house waiting for me. It was very unfortunate that only after I sold of my investment , then she passed away.  At that time, I was having more time for her but she could not wait to go away forever. I could not unwound the damage and hurts which I have caused to her. However, heaven cannot wait.

Until this day, my heart bleeds when I think of her. She has struggle so much to bring me up but I went through a bad patch and have neglected her in the process.  I do not know whether this is destined or not but this period left me with some regrets.

It has kept huanting me when I dream of her and it will remained a memory forever in my mind.  I want to tell her that " Mum, I love you "and I missed you very much over the years.

Namaste.